As a paper The Daily Mail is not much cop but as a guide to how modern women are just doing it all wrong it is infalliable.

Generally we women are just not good enough – we’re either too fat or too thin, wearing the wrong clothes or falling in love with the wrong people.

Some female celebrities take this to extremes by being too fat or too thin whilst wearing the wrong clothes and falling in love with the wrong men. I imagine when those pictures arrive at the DM news desk there are high fives all round.

Even the most innocuous article has lots to teach us. Like this one ostensibly about a woman wearing a dress. (aka Pregnant Stacy Kiebler attends event.)

Katy, LA,

Tall and thin people carry the best during pregnancy IMO

I am currently dealing with a 3 year old who thinks everything is a competition – getting dressed, eating breakfast, being first into the car. This is exactly the kind of thing my daughter would say.

Tall and thin people win at being pregnant!

Fuck you short fat people! (She wouldn’t say this bit, that was me.)

But there is a serious point to be made here.

Pregnant women can often forget that they are in a 9 month long competition to be the best, what with all the throwing up and crying in shops and that.

It’s time they were reminded that it’s not all about nurturing your unborn child and panicking about childbirth there are other pregnant women to be better than.

Get a hold of yourselves ladies! Try harder at being pregnant!

Which brings me neatly on to Lizzy from London.

Lizzy, London,

Put it away love, you’re carrying an unborn child. Dress appropriately!

Whilst pregnancy is mainly about winning it is also about winning in the correct attire. I have yet to receive my copy of ‘The Mail Guide to Appropriate Clothing for the Expectant Mother’ but a quick look at the paper tells me you should avoid anything too short, too tight and leggings.

Again there is serious message here. If pregnant women don’t steer clear of the short skirts, crop tops and revealing clothing how are rapists supposed to know who to target?

Sheesh, Cloud Number Nine, United Kingdom,

She’s done quite well for herself! She’s got George Clooney on her CV and now she looks happy and in love and pregnant. Not too shabby.

Fuck! No wonder I don’t have a job. I have been doing this recruitment thing all wrong. I didn’t realise we were supposed to put down all the people we’ve slept with on our CV’s. (Do they go before or after your GCSE’s?)

This is going to take me way over the recommended 2 page minimum. Still it’s useful information. Thank You Sheesh, no wonder you’re on cloud number nine.

KB, Birmingham, United Kingdom,

I think she truly loved George and believed he really loved her back; maybe just as well she moved on otherwise she might have missed out on her chance to have a family. Still think there is an element of sadness in her eyes.

This says everything you need to know about the kind of person who comments on the The Mail Online. Yup they’re all caring celebrity mind readers who believe in true love.

It seems KB can interpret a celebrities innermost feelings from paparazzi shots, I think the Mail should get them in to guest edit the paper.

I look forward to some awesome celebrity insight like:

The Duchess Of Cambridge desperate to move to Solihull and open a greasy spoon, her eyes let slip.

Kim Kardashian to give birth to monkey in space, thinks Mail commentator.

George Osborne in love with Nigel Farage’s big toe, Chancellors body language reveals in picture.

In the interest of balance I should point out that not all people who leave comments on the Daily Mail are mean. Some people have lovely supportive things to say like Sheamus who is a big fan of actress Claire Danes’ hair